Intimacy problems with my wife:
should I tell her?

Question:

Sexual fantasies in marriage: how to answer my wife. Good morning, I just want to write again. I know these questions seem redundant but I just want to ensure that I fully understand, as I really don't have anyone else to talk to. So, as you know my past story of confessing to my wife past sins. I did it and as you I told you it was a disaster. We moved on and are happy now. As I said though I struggle with things. Thoughts popping in my head constantly accusing.

 Well the back story is as I was confessing all my past to my wife, she asks me a question. I'll just be honest sir, she says "do you think of me only while we make love" I froze! I lied, I said yes, but the truth is that I have allowed my earthly thinking to allow me to think of other pretty women. I have no desire to be with anyone else except my wife. However I lied to her.

 Once again I struggle with this. Obviously, to go to her and admit this hurts, if not destroys my marriage! I have taken this lie and these evil thoughts before the lord and asked for forgiveness. I just want to ensure that I do what's right. I really want to get on with my life and love my family and serve Christ, but struggle to do so. So I'll just ask, do I need to tell her of this? And if not, will God forgive me if I never come clean of the lie to my wife.

ANSWER:

 Sexual desire is normal, and not sin, but it is powerful. The first two commandments God gave Adam and Eve were to adapt to their environment (in the Garden of Eden), and to go have babies to populate the earth. In order to have babies, people need to have sex. Sexual urges, however, need to be regulated. That is why God made marriages. Other things such as murder or robbing are definitely sin, but sex is normal but must be regulated. Sex is good. Our bodies are built to produce babies. We are sexual creatures. Of course sex is not all that defines who we are.

 In God’s creative actions, the Bible says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27). It is interesting the meanings of “male and female.” The Hebrew word for male is zakar, while the word for female comes from the root, “naqab.” The prime meaning for zakar is to mark so as to be recognized or remembered, but is set over in conjunction to female, naqab. Are you ready? The root of naqab is to puncture, or literally to perforate with more or less violence.  

 To mark so as to recognize, placed in conjunction with naqab refers to the penis. Naqab pictures the reciprocal component in the sexual act. To confirm this meaning, right after God named “male and female” He said, “And God blessed them; and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth’” (Genesis 1:28).

As to fantasies, psychological research has discovered that 98% of men and 80% of women have sexual fantasies. Men’s fantasies are more graphic and visual while women’s are more romantic. Another, maybe more crude, way of looking at the difference between men and women is this, “the woman says, ‘Let’s get romantic,’ but the man says, ‘Let’s get naked.” The woman looks to enhance and secure the relationship, but the man just wants to get down to business. 

 How often do people think of sex? 54% of men think of sex several times a day, every day. 19% of women think of sex several times a day – every day.

 In another study of 200,000 people in 53 nations, men everywhere more strongly agreed that “I have a strong sex drive.” Even Sigmund Freud said libido was our main instinct driving force.

 In Muslim countries the sex drives are so guarded, that women cover their bodies with burkes with only peep holes to see through. In some other countries, there is female circumcision where the girl’s clitoris is cut off to tamp down any sexual drive. In other countries it is forbidden to even talk about sex if a brother and sister are present. There are a few universal taboos. Lists normally include patricide, cannibalism, and genocide. The most consistent one is incest, which is sex among family members

I give you these examples to let you know that the sexual urge is not sin, it is powerful, fantasies are common, but sex must be regulated. That is how God made us.

That is why women need to dress modestly to lessen temptation of men. Speaking of temptation, based on what I have just gone over, it is just part of life. However, we do not need to act out the sexual temptation. Someone said, “We cannot keep the birds from flying overhead, but we can keep them from nesting in our hair.”

One misunderstood verse that seem very troubling is Matthew 5:27, 28. You will probably stumble across it in your Bible study. Jesus said that to mentally lust after a women is the same as adultery. His point was that recognition of our sin, weakness and temptation should drive us to Christ and His grace. The idea is that if we plan on good works to save and keep us saved, then this is what you have to do. However, it is impossible to never lust after a women (unless one is gay, then the lust is toward the same sex), therefore it is impossible to have good works save or keep us.

Live under the grace of Christ, focus on Him and not on some list of rules. You are correct, get on with your life in Christ.

It is also common in the bedroom for the wife to ask if the husband ever fanaticizes with other women while having sex. She just wants to be secure in your relationship. I checked with my wife as to what the poor husband can say. She said for the man to say something like,

 “Honey you know I love you and you are the most beautiful woman to me. I don’t want to sleep with any other woman except you.  I don’t want to hurt you or betray your trust - ever. Now do I get tempted with lust? Or do I sometimes fantasize about other women? I'd lie if I say no. But then all men are tempted that way too. Does the temptation come sometimes when we are having sex. Sometimes, but rarely because you are beautiful and why should I fantasize when I already have you! I promise you: I love you and will never be (or have sex) with other women! I don’t want to! I want you!”

 As to forgiveness of past sins, go back and review the other letters I wrote you. Don’t dredge up past sins. If you have come clean with God, then they are behind you. Use those tools I gave you to clean up your thinking, which drives you to guilt. I know that you want to serve and enjoy your relationship with Christ. Nike once had an advertisement that went like this, “Just do it.” We all need to get on with the task He has called us to.

 Here is another suggestion. On our website there is a free course on Christian Foundations. Download the course and set up a daily study going through those doctrines.

 Let me close with this illustration. I grew up on a cattle ranch. At any given time we probably had two dozen horses and mules. We were constantly breaking horses, training them to be “cow ponies.”

 When training a young colt to lead, we just tied them up to a solid post, and let them pull till they got tired of it. Then with the halter on them, we would begin to lead them around in the corral. Soon they got the idea, and walked right behind without any resistance. Then when it was time to end the lesson, we took off their halter and set them free.

 Surprise! Even though they were free from the halter, and we would walk away, they would continue to follow us! They thought we were still leading them. They were free, but didn’t realize it.

 It is the same with Christ. He has released us from any punishment for past, present, or future sins. He took the guilt and punishment upon Himself on the cross. We are free, but many times we don’t realize it. It seems too good to be true. Consequently, we keep digging up something to feel guilty about. Put the past behind you. Don’t walk in fear, walk in love within the grace of God. Keep a clear conscience before God as you walk free in your relationship with Christ.

 All the best to you, and God bless,

 Dr. Newman